Brie Fit

“Mother’s Day is a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no mothers who deserve it more than those who had to give a child back.”

-Erma Bombeck

When I woke up this morning, Tim was nudging me and informing me that he’d made me a stack of chocolate chip pancakes as my Mother’s Day breakfast.  Very sweet of him, especially since I don’t really feel like a mother yet and therefore worthy of gifts or anything.

I wish I could just celebrate my first pseudo-Mother’s Day without a second thought.  Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled and so thankful for the little boy who’s been punching and kicking me like a tiny ninja for the last few days.  But I can’t help but think about what could have been today, you know?

I could be 39 weeks pregnant today.  I could have a tiny squishy newborn, even.  Next Sunday, May 20th, would have been my due date with the pregnancy we lost back in October, and today’s hit me harder than I expected it to.

Feeling this baby kick inside me fills me with incredible joy, but today I’m also grieving for what could have been.  Pregnancy is not a cure-all—the scars remain, and I wonder how things would have been different all the time if that first pregnancy had just worked out the way it was supposed to.  Was it a boy or a girl?  Would I have felt differently, had it easier or harder?   Would I have taken it for granted, not knowing what a loss feels like?  Would we have been ready?  Nothing will ever replace the babies we lost on the way to this one, and I know I’ll always feel their absence on days like today amidst the joy that I’ll undoubtedly feel, too.

So.  Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there, whether your babies are with you or not.

Last night, I saw an acupuncturist who specializes in fertility issues.  The first thing we did was go over the very detailed paperwork I filled out. We spent the first half hour going over my fertility charts, and talking about my cycles and the symptoms that come with them.  I explained my short luteal phase/low progesterone diagnosis, and we talked about the alleged causes of both miscarriages.

She took my pulse in both wrists and said they were "tired," and looked at my tongue.  Based on a few symptoms I noted (very cold hands and feet, lower back cramping, low progesterone), I likely have a "cold uterus" which is not a hospitable environment for implantation.  So, the focus of my treatment will be to warm me up from the inside out!

Then she did the acupuncture session.  I got a lot of needles in my feet, hands, forearms, lower legs, and ears, and a few in my belly and forehead.  I had them in for about 40 minutes, and it was super relaxing–I fell asleep a few times!  Periodically I would feel an almost electric, tingling sensation around some of the needles, especially in my forearms.  Pain-wise, the needles all felt very different going in. Some I barely felt at all, some felt like a bee sting, and some felt like I was being zapped with a tiny electrical current.  The only one that hurt for more than a second was one she placed between two tight tendons in my left forearm, which she then adjusted and felt fine.  As I laid there, at one point, I felt a tingling sensation spread over my chest and neck, and I also felt like my hand was shaking at one point.

Afterwards, she did a short shiatsu massage, which was heavenly.

She gave me some general dietary recommendations for fertility at the end of the appointment:

It’s going to be hard to follow these too closely over the holidays (we’ll be staying with family for five days), but I’ve already started with the walnut-eating, frozen food avoidance, and warm beverages.  When I get home, I plan to reduce my dairy and sweets intake, and up my protein (especially eggs).  (Sidenote: where does one even buy goji berries?)

All in all, I really enjoyed my first appointment.  I plan to go back again on New Year’s Eve.

I also made it to CrossFit tonight for the 12 Days of Christmas WOD:

• 1 push press (65#)
• 2 lateral jumps over the bar
• 3 clapping push-ups
• 4 air squats
• 5 kettlebell SDHP (35#)
• 6 burpees
• 7 abmat sit-ups
• 8 thrusters (45#)
• 9 toes-to-bar
• 10 kettlebell swings (35#)
• 11 box jumps
• 12 overhead walking lunges (25#)

The way this one worked was for the first set, you did 1 push press…then 1 push press and 2 lateral jumps…then 1 push press, 2 lateral jumps, 3 clapping push-ups…and so on.  It didn’t get brutal until the thrusters started, but man, those last few rounds were tough!  I finished in 25:40.  Merry Christmas to me!

Anyway, tomorrow we head out for a whirlwind trip.  We’re spending the 23rd-26th with my family in Chicago and Indiana, then flying out to DC to see Tim’s family from the 26th-28th.  It’s going to be hectic, for sure.  I’m trying to muster up some holiday spirit…I’m hoping it shows up after a glass of wine or two.

What are your holiday plans?

Reason number one million I love our new house: I slept through my alarm and didn’t get up until 5:15.  But I still made it to CrossFit on time.  Go me!

So, this?  Is one thing you DON’T want to see on the whiteboard.

Um.

Today’s WOD was Fight Gone Bad-style…one minute each of:

• Shuttle runs
• Kettlebell swings (35#)
• Burpees
• Push jerks (65#)
• Medicine ball cleans (14#)
• Rest

Repeat X 3.  Your “score” is the amount of total reps you complete.  We worked with partners and did one round of counting and one round of working.

I clocked in at 210, thanks mostly to the KB swings.  (And no thanks to the push jerks…I did maybe 6 or 7 in the minute because the weight was so heavy.  But it’s getting easier!)

Other news, in bullet point form:

• Our neighborhood Christmas party was ridiculous in the best way possible.  I was hung over on Saturday.  Our neighbors are a fun bunch, for sure.  And bonus: the kids across the street are willing cat-sitters!
• Something is wrong with my left eye.  The area under my eye hurts to touch and is all swollen and puffy.  I’m not seeing any styes or anything, and I’m fairly certain I haven’t been punched in the face without knowing it.
• I have my last blood draw in the morning.  I am 99.9% sure it will be negative, since everything is proceeding as a normal cycle would.  This will be attempt number three at this whole getting pregnant thing.  Third time’s the charm, right?
• I’ve given Tim my secret stash of pregnancy tests to hide.  I don’t get them back until 14DPO to prevent early testing.  The stress is just not worth it, so I figure, out of sight, out of mind.  We’ll see if I can hold out this time.
• Mailed the Christmas cards, shopping is over half done.  I’m going to count that as being in decent shape.
• Only four more couch-less days!
• Anyone want to do some Google-fu and find me antique white (not regular white) kitchen island stools with backs that are under $90 each?

Are you in good holiday shape yet?

Some really great comments last night, guys.  You all are awesome, as always.

Today was a less awful day than yesterday.  I feel more stable and like my hormones are finally leveling out a bit.  The mood swings of the last few days have really (obviously) thrown me for quite a loop…I’m really not accustomed to being quite so volatile.  It was a bit scary.  I’m obviously reserving judgment until I’ve held stable for a few more days, but I suppose I’m headed in the right direction.

Other good things I did today include purchase a bunch of Christmas presents on Amazon, minimal candy at work, and CrossFit.  (A night class, because there’s no morning class today.)

So, as you can see, 5 rounds of 30 grasshoppers, 20 box jumps with a medicine ball, and 10 burpee pull-ups.  We also did a broad jump trial at the beginning of class.

Results:

I finished in 18:13.  I did the modified burpee pull-up by doing 10 burpees, and then 10 jumping pull-ups, no band.  I also used the 16” box with a 14# medicine ball.  It was a tricky workout because the grasshoppers and the med ball box jumps required a lot of coordination.

PS: Anne, on the board, who I met tonight, is a blog reader.  Hi, Anne!  (Do any of my other CrossFit comrades read this?)

I also put down my December goal:

While I like “Live through each WOD” as a general goal, I chose “10 perfect toe push-ups.”  I feel like this is attainable but still a stretch.  Check in with me in a few weeks!

Also, side note: if I hear one more person say that Michelle Duggar’s miscarriage was a sign that she should stop having kids, I am going to scream.  I can get behind the sentiment of “Michelle Duggar is of advanced maternal age, has a history of previous dangerous pregnancy complications and losses, and her children take up 1.5% of the world’s natural resources, maybe she should consider stopping.”  But I feel like a lot of people are being way too reductive about this and going straight to the, “Well, this is probably a sign from God that she should stop.”  Having a miscarriage does not mean one should stop trying to conceive.  It’s a matter of semantics, but be careful how you phrase your opinions.  It’s been surprisingly hurtful to hear that sentiment over and over today, and makes me wonder, “Hmm, I wonder if they think I should stop, too?”

Anyway, in conclusion, I feel like I’m in a better place than I was yesterday.  And I’m glad.

Duggars: like ‘em or hate ‘em? 

This morning I got confirmation that I did, in fact, have a chemical pregnancy.  My beta HCG levels came back at a 7, which is extremely low, but still means that I was pregnant for at least a little while and we lost it again.  I have to go back next week to make sure my levels have dropped to zero.

I skipped CrossFit this morning for no good reason other than I really like my bed.

On my way to work today, I finally figured out what’s going on with me this week.  It’s that my finger is on the self destruct button and I feel like I’m flirting dangerously with pushing it.  How, you ask?

• I let myself get away with BS like sleeping through workouts when I have no reason to NOT get up.  It’s only happened twice, but I don’t want to see it turn into a trend.
• My hand has been in the candy dish at work more times than I care to admit.  I haven’t even been thinking about it.
• The negative self-talk has taken over.  I’m usually my #1 fan, but this week…it’s all “you’re fat, you’re ugly, you can’t properly gestate a baby, you’ll never do a pull-up,” and so on.  This is by far the most alarming.
• I feel apathetic at work.  I do my job, but I feel like I haven’t been doing my best lately.
• I haven’t done any Christmas shopping yet, or rented a car for our Christmas trip.  I don’t really care.

I don’t know.  I think I need time to process everything.  The plummeting HCG and progesterone are making me have wild hormonal mood swings, still, and I’m just trying desperately to hold it together and keep my finger off the button.

It’s easy to say “focus on your new house!” or “spend time with Tim!” or “work off that negative energy in the gym!” but doing so and feeling relief from such things is entirely another.

Thank God for the house.  I smile every time I pull up.  Southie likes it too, particularly our spacious, empty kitchen cabinets.

I did end up going to evening CrossFit and felt much better afterwards.

The WOD was AMRAP 20 minutes:

• 20 overhead squats (started at 45#, wrist got tingly so I switched to 22# after two sets)
• 10 box jumps (20”)
• 5 toes to bar (more like knees to boobs, but I’m getting better at these)

Finished 7 rounds plus 17 OH squats.  Felt good.

Modeling my new lululemon scoop neck tank, CrossFit guns, and electric white skin:

After I got home, our new neighbors dropped by with cookies and a very nice note and invited us to a Christmas party on Saturday!  I seriously only thought people did this in Babysitter’s Club books (probably MaryAnne, right?) but apparently not.

Anyway, the neighbor kids really liked our cats and I’m hoping they will become cheap cat-sitters.  Yes?

How do you stop yourself from self-destructive behaviors?

As you probably guessed, I returned to CrossFit today.  I hadn’t been in a week, but I’d definitely say that packing and unpacking a truck and moving furniture counts as a workout, so I won’t call it a rest week.

Anyway, today was freezing.  At 5:15, it was probably in the teens on my (much shorter!  Hooray!) drive, and the box wasn’t much warmer.  Brr.  I’m a crops kind of girl when it comes to lower-body workout wear, and only own one pair of acceptable workout pants, but that might need to change.  I also think I need a warmer jacket that isn’t my fancy work pea coat!

The first thing we did was find our one-rep max for back squats.

You know, you feel all proud of yourself, and then the guys come in and write down their weights, and…womp womp.

Today’s WOD involved lots of counting.  7 rounds of:

• 3 handstand push-ups
• 6 burpees 
• 9 power cleans
• 12 clapping push-ups

I finished in a blistering 18:42.  (Not really.)

So, handstand push-ups.  Of course I can’t do REAL handstand push-ups.  So I modify them, on a box.  This is what that should probably look like.

Except, if you are me, add in falling off the box awkwardly at the end, and not being able to get in much of the up-down movement.  I tried?

In less interesting news, I went for my blood draw today and I’ll have the results tomorrow.   I’ve officially been coded for medical billing as “history of abortion,” which is really just lovely.  You’d think they’d find a better term, wouldn’t you?

In other news, I realized today that I am not at all feeling the Christmas spirit. I think it’s pretty obvious why.  I always imagined being pregnant this Christmas once I got pregnant the first time, and, well, I won’t be.  I mean, I could be, but it would be too early to know, and the we’ll be around babies and kids the entire time.  I have zero desire to shop for gifts or get excited about spending time with our families.  I just kind of want to get in bed and wake up, magically 13-ish weeks pregnant, in January.  Today’s been kind of a rough day.

What gets you in the holiday spirit?

I am a mess today.

The combination of going through a chemical pregnancy/basically having my period/going cold turkey off progesterone supplements is like a perfect storm for turning me into a hateful, weepy harpy.  It’s baaad.  One minute I want to sob in the middle of my office, the next I want to quit over something stupid, the next I feel totally fine.  Rinse, repeat.

I didn’t get to CrossFit this morning.  It was an exhausting weekend and I needed the extra sleep.  Tomorrow, I will be back.

Tomorrow, I also get to go in for bloodwork.  I called my OB’s office this morning to be all, "So, I was pregnant for about ten minutes. What now?" and they want to monitor my HCG levels back down to zero.  Good times.

The one thing that has made me smile all day was thinking about going home to our gorgeous new house.

Last night was so wonderful–it was our first night, just the two of us, not unpacking anything, in the house.  Tim worked in his new office while I relaxed in our fancy bathtub, and then we watched The Virgin Diaries on TLC (which was truly a masterpiece of reality television editing).

And tonight after work was also enjoyable.  We definitely need a couch, and some stools for our island, but that will get checked off the ol’ to-do list this weekend.  (We hope, anyway.)

It felt good to NOT eat take-out, or random pantry remnants, for the first time in a long tonight—just a simple dinner of roasted chicken and sweet potatoes.

So, suffice it to say, I love this house.  I love the location, I love the quiet neighborhood.  I love having tons of space.  I love having a shorter commute to work every day.  I love imagining filling this house up with children.  I am so thankful it is ours.

And, to finish this random post, a few around-the-horn style blog posts to check out that I’ve liked:

• Jen’s birth story made me cry today.  It is beautiful, and reading this really gave me so much hope: "I cannot properly describe what I felt in that moment. The goal was never ovulation, a positive pregnancy test, a beating heart on an ultrasound, meeting my kick counts, or reaching full term. The goal was this moment: when a crying baby was placed on my chest. I could not believe it actually happened to me. It was the most surreal moment ever."
• Shelby BQed this weekend at CIM!  And she’s funny anyway, so go check her blog out.
• Temerity Jane once again reads Cosmo.  Prepare to gigglesnort.

What have you read and liked lately?

First…the good!  Our new home is 95% unpacked.  We have a whole lot of furniture to buy, though.  We basically have an empty living room, finished basement, formal living room, dining room, and two guest bedrooms.  Whoops.

My mom and sister were in town from Thursday through tonight and were a huge help.  My mom, in particular, made it her mission to make our house look appropriately festive and decked our halls.  She put up our Christmas tree…

…including some of my favorite ornaments.  Baby Brie!

And from our first year of marriage.

Our mantle, hung with the stockings I insisted we puffy-paint together the first Christmas we dated in law school way back when.

She even put up our teeny tiny tree and my H collection.

(PS: Have an interesting H you’re looking to place in a nice home?  Let me know.)

I loved unpacking the kitchen.  I put all my kitchen crap in there and did a massive grocery shopping trip and the cabinets aren’t even halfway full yet!

The big project of the weekend was stripping wallpaper out of our formerly awful downstairs bathroom.  You can’t see it, but it has eight-foot-high-ish ceilings, so it was quite a project.

Before?  OMG awful.

And after!  Much prettier.

We are going to add a white framed mirror above the pedestal sink, and a new light fixture (the current one is brass and ugly) and perhaps a knick-knacky shelf, and new hardware since the old stuff is also brass and ugly.

It went surprisingly well, save for this:

Tim ripped a hole in the wall whilst removing the toilet paper holders, which were secured to the wall with six-inch long screws with a giant non-functional butterfly clip on them.  Nothing some mesh can’t fix, though!

We also took a Christmas picture with the pets.  I will show you guys later!

Now, the bad.

I got a positive pregnancy test yesterday morning, at 12DPO.

Except I’m bleeding, a lot, and the test I took this morning was lighter, not darker.  I’m 99% sure it’s a chemical pregnancy—a very, very, very early miscarriage, basically.  I can’t imagine in a million years that there will be a miracle and this will wind up being viable—there’s always a chance, but I know in my heart this isn’t our baby.

It sucks and I cried about it yesterday, but the fact of the matter is I thought I was pregnant for about two hours and was already spotting when I got the positive test.  Had I not taken the tests, I never would have known.  My OB supported us trying again right away after my last loss, but it looks like my body maybe just wasn’t ready yet.

So, loss #2 on the books.  Praying for a Christmas miracle later this month.  We’ll see.

Anyway, like I said.  You have to take the bitter with the sweet.  I’m choosing to focus on the sweet.  And I absolutely adore our new home—the location, the layout, the size…it’s all perfect for us.  We’re very blessed and I’m trying to stay focused on that.  Our time for a baby will come.  (Right?)

This morning was another morning when the alarm went off at 5, I grumbled to Tim that I wasn’t getting up, re-set the alarm for 6:30, laid there for 5 minutes, couldn’t go back to sleep so I got my ass to CrossFit anyway.

Not going to lie, I wasn’t 100% there mentally today.  I hit it hard last week (5 days in a row), took Saturday off, and dicked around at open gym yesterday.  I think I need to rest a little more than I have been, but I’m enjoying myself.  I think I’ll rest this week by moving an entire houseful of furniture and boxes, huh?

Anyway.  I was actually able to to do today’s WOD as Rxed, which is always exciting.  We did 18-15-12-9-6-3 reps of: 

• Burpees 
• Abmat sit-ups
• Power cleans (42#)

So, 18 burpees, 18 sit-ups, 18 power cleans, 15 burpees, 15 sit-ups…and so on.

I finished in 15:02.  Not exactly breaking any records.  But I finished.  Which is better than staying in bed, right?

In other news today, I had a follow-up with the OB/GYN who performed my D&C today.  I am quitting the midwives and throwing my business his way for various reasons. The takeaways:

• The timing worked out that we were able to try this cycle after a three-week ban.  I’ll be testing later this week.  Fingers are crossed times ten million and my chart looks surprisingly pretty.  The doctor was all for this.
• From here on out, I’ll be supplementing with progesterone from 3 days post-ovulation to 14 days post-ovulation (or through the first trimester, if good things happen).  Doc thinks it’s a no-brainer given my history, and it certainly can’t hurt.
• The doctor is all for early viability ultrasounds.  With my low progesterone and vanishing symptoms, I WANTED one with the midwives, but they said I didn’t need one and said ultrasounds were “overdone” and that my bloodwork was all they needed to confirm a healthy pregnancy.  Instead…I thought I was pregnant for a month when there was no baby, which, needless to say, sucked a lot.  So, I feel immensely reassured knowing that I’ll be able to go in and hopefully see a heartbeat in those first early weeks next time.
• The doctor ended the appointment with, “I’m sorry.  This is just one of those crappy things that happens too often.  I know that doesn’t make this better.”  I liked that.

I’m generally feeling bitter towards the midwives for putting non-intervention over, you know, actual medical concerns and letting me go on being fake pregnant for an extra month.  I should also add that they didn’t return three messages I left and I haven’t heard from them since the miscarriage/D&C.  Fabulous, huh?  Nothing like making you feel worthless for not being pregnant.  So I am done with them, for real.

But I have a good feeling about this OB.  He’s a Mizzou fan.  And he Googled some stuff during the appointment, which I liked.

(Less than 48 hours until we’re homeowners.  ZOMG.)

Have you ever dealt with sub-par medical care?  What did you do, if anything?

I haven’t written much the last few days because I’ve been on kind of a downswing, emotionally.

The following things have made me sad:

• Seeing an adorable cooing baby in the Boise airport.
• Going to Target.  I swear to God it was pregnant lady day today.  It’s stupid, but I haven’t gone since we lost the baby because, well…I bought pregnancy tests there.  And the Mizzou onesie that’s now stuffed into the back of a drawer, and the maternity fat-pants band. 
• Hearing my hairdresser tell me that we’ll “have to fill our new house with kids!”
• Getting a fucking $11,000 bill from the hospital.  ELEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS.  To lose our baby.  What an insult.  My favorite is how they framed it as “This is an $11,000 bill” with a tiny footnote on the bottom stating “this will be submitted to insurance.”  I have very good insurance, so I’m pretty sure we won’t have to pay more than a few hundred, but…oh my God.  The concept of paying $11,000 to have a miscarriage makes me want to throw up.
• The holidays.  I usually have a lot of holiday spirit and this year I’m kind of indifferent to it.  I imagined being pregnant for the holidays this year, and…I won’t be.  (Well, probably not.  Though I’m hoping for a Christmas miracle.)

So, I don’t know.  I’m doing well overall, but there are good days and bad days and the last two have been achier than most.

My flight got me home last night around 10:30.  I hit a deer with my car on the way home from the airport.  I’m fine, the car is fine, and I presume the deer is fine because she got up and ran away.  But scary nonetheless.

I fell asleep around midnight and still made it to CrossFit, which made me feel pretty excellent.

Today’s WOD was 7 rounds for time of…

• 10 front squats (45#)
• 10 push press (45#)
• 5 thrusters (45#)
• 30 abmat sit-ups 

I decided to forget about time and push the weights.  The 45# bar was challenging enough that I had to take it slow, but not impossible. I thought I’d have to go down in weight, but I didn’t!  I finished behind most of the class, in 19:58, but still feel great about it.

Busy weekend ahead: CrossFit in the morning, more packing, lunch with friends, brunch with Tim’s uncle, more packing…should be fun.